yes...

i went nowhere without my phone yesterday. it sat on the radiator whilst i had my bath, it came to the corner shop and into the kitchen every time i made a cup of tea and didn't ring once. the later in the day it got the more negative i became and by the end of the working day i was convinced i hadn't gotten the job. i had my suspicions that they would phone the person who had got it and write to the other two. these were confirmed in the post this morning.

i received a polite yet encouraging letter saying the standard of applicants had been high and that it is to my credit that i made the shortlist. of course i can think of the cons of the job more clearly now; rubbish pay, not within walking distance, no room for progression etc. so really it's not the end of the world. in fact it's fine because i also received a letter from the nhs advising i had aced their interview and subject to references and a crb check i should receive work from their admin bank soon.

admittedly working for the nhs's admin bank isn't the greatest job in the world but it will get me back in the swing of things until i can find something more permanant and hopefully more interesting. i feel much more confident knowing that i did well in both interviews and that i'm probably not as useless as i often think i am. i can obviously string a few sentances together and i must look passable in a suit that cost £14 altogether in the 2006 new look summer sale.

i should really be getting on some job websites and hunting for something now but i feel as if i have achieved enough for one week. nick is coming over for tea in an hour to see how i am, i'm glad i will have something positive to say to him this time. things are starting to move forward and i'm finally ready to let them. i'm even starting to be more sensible on my night's out. i put myself to bed on friday when the party was still in full swing and went to bed at a sensible hour on saturday despite phone calls from friends. god i'm good.

london on friday made a change even though i ended up spending the whole night in leona's flat rather than going out in brick lane. i can rarely be bothered to go out to pubs or clubs anymore which can't help the fact they're all cllosing down. i didn't mind though as the weather was dreadful and i got to see loads of people i hadn't seen in a while. i even managed to get a few hours of sleep on her floor but was woken up by the raging storm on saturday morning. it had calmed down a bit by the time we came to leave so the journey home went without incident. we saw michael fielding at victoria and ate sushi which is not such a good idea with a hangover, i can see why it is more common to eat a bacon sandwich rather than something with an octopus tentacle on.

i was supposed to go out on saturday night but my plan of sleeping in the afternoon was scuppered when i found myself unable to sleep despite being exhausted. i ate some canneloni which is one of my best comfort foods and watched rushmore for a while untill rhys came home and we ended up watching bad santa, freaked, robin hood men in tights and bill and ted's bogus journey. freaked is amazing and not just for the fact it stars alex "bill s. preston esq." winter, it is definitely one of the most 90's films i have ever seen. i was quite tired by 2am and had to cancel my arrangements with lee to come over after the pub. i also received a call from doogle at 3am enquiring as to my wherabouts. i certainly have a reputation for staying up late which isn't that great when i decide not to.

sunday was a write off. the pizza place down my road takes orders online so i did that and stared at the mountain of washing up no one seemed to be doing.

today i received a call from bonhams advising i was in the top three candidates and that they would like me to go in tomorrow and look around the office and work with the current administrator for an hour or so to see how i like the job. i didn't think the interview had gone that well so am pretty pleased to have gotten this far althought daunted by the idea that i might actually end up with a job by the end of the month.

i had to go and see the dentil hygienest this morning and then to find a different top to wear with my suit. that done i went into mcdonalds to get a nice cold sprite and very slightly tripped as i'm sure everyone does occassionally. unfortunately this was picked up by a group of shrieking teenage girls, one of them screamed "SHE FELL OVER" and they all laughed. i ignored them and thought to myself that i really had the last laugh because i'm not 14 and morbidly obese. i can guarantee that none of them would be invited back to a second interview with a prestigious antiques dealer. so there!

interview #2 is all over and done with and went relatively smoothly. one guy seemed nice and the other looked a bit like john sargeant and didn't seem so nice. the pay isn't great but the job itself seems quite interesting. i will be surprised if i get it as i noticed there were loads of other applicants on his sheet and i didn't quite get across my deep and sincere lifelong interest in antiques (ahem). i think i would accept it if i was offered it though as it's certainly looks better than any of the jobs i have had before.

i'm quite glad that's it for interviews for the time being. they are rather tiring although these recent two have only been a short bus ride away. sod travelling out of brighton for work, i'm not that desperate. i was relieved that after a morning of pissing rain it let up for the two hours surrounding the interview. it looks like the skies are about to open again now which is a shame as i have been coaxed into going to london for leon's birthday tonight. i didn't make it to amsterdam last year so i suppose i can't refuse when it's only 56 minutes on the train this time round.

so i need to find some energy and something nice to wear. i have really started to work on my appearance recently after a summer of slumming it in jeans. i forgot how fun dressing up can be and it's probably about time i got some male attention. it's been 2 1/2 months since i broke up with nick and i'm not going to find anyone else staying in wearing faded h&m denim am i?

the luke haines gig was amazing, i was surprised to be more familiar with his material than i thought i would be. i would like to get more familiar but i can't actually find that many of his albums to buy so i suppose i need to find someone to steal them off until i do. i had a fun night with alice and it felt a bit silly that this is the first time we've met up since she moved down for uni in 2007. the venue was also really gorgeous but unfortunately full of middle-aged folk as many of the gigs i attend now seem to be. i also had a bit of a funny turn when standing at the front and trying to hold a glass of wine in the crowd. i just felt really unsteady and shaky despite said glass being only my second and eventually had to sit down at the back for a while until i felt ok again. i know it's because of "my problem" (cerebellar ataxia) but it doesn't help when that sort of thing happens.

i still felt a little bit off this morning when i got up for the interview. i had a terrible night's sleep and felt groggy for the umpteenth day in a row and so i might not have performed as well as i'd have hoped. i felt i answered the usual questions pretty confidnetly and i finished the test for word and excel in the half hour they gave. i'll find out next week apparently.

so i spent the afternoon watching skins and eating just about anything i could get my hands on. i imagine it's the change in the season that is making me so ravenous recently. i hope this evening passes without incident as i am out to dinner with friends. it should be fine, i can't drink due to having another interview tomorrow although not until much later. hmmm.

did anyone else see the michael jackson seance on sky one last night? i honestly didn't think they'd actually pretend (oh come on) to contact him but they did and apparently he's furious not to be buried next to marylin monroe. his "best friend" david gest joined june sarpong and provided the scariest part of the evening by dressing like matt willis out of busted who is apparently his other best friend. it wasn't really tv gold and the mega fans scared me. june asked one of them who was called michael whether that was his real name as if michael wasn't an incredibly common name.

they should try and contact jade goody next.

i got up early this morning to beat the crowds and buy some brown brogues which look like mr. men shoes and a sensible bag for interviews. a hot dog from ikea and an awful seth rogan film later and i'm contemplating the cinema or another nightwith a bottle of white with my mum.

home tomorrow and hopefully a more productive week to follow. i need to cut the apron strings and try and make it a few more weeks without coming home whilst remaining sensible enough to gget out of bed and get things done every day. hmmmmm.

finally i think the recession must be coming to an end as i am finding myself applying for jobs i'd actually like to do and not trawling through pages of advertisements for "telesales executives". i'm sure "executives" don't earn 13k and i very much doubt whether the working environment is as fun as they make out. it sounds horrible. i'm applying for loads at the nhs because although i doubt the working environment would be "fun" they do offer 27 days holiday and both hospitals are within arm's reach of my house. i really resent having to travel for work; both my last two jobs were within a five minute walk of where i lived at the time making my life a hell of a lot easier although i often couldn't be bothered to go in anyway.

if my cv ever lands on your desk simply crumple it up and put it in the waste paper basket. sorry, i mean, recycling bin.

i got my haircut for the first time in ages today. i think the fringe might be a bit too long and chunky but it will do. it has taken me ages to get it back to it's natural colour and to not feel like straw but i have the urge to dye it again. i will never learn.

other than that i have been rather quiet today as was hoped. i know i vow to start looking after myself after every weekend bender and i know i never do but i'm peeved my housemate chose to comment to this effect on facebook. if my friends were slightly more supportive and up for doing something other than attend party after party then perhaps i'd find it easier to do the same. although that time i had a sensible boyfriend was rubbish so i need to avoid that sort of thing again.

i absolutely hate it when the clocks go back. i have been completely unable to function this week although having a house full of people on saturday night didn't help. the resulting mess and sleepless night didn't help all that much. unfortunately we promised to host heather's birthday this weekend due to her flat being so small. halloween parties are always the worst for mess and now it seems we have combined the two. of course i'll enjoy it...at the time...

to combat the winter blues i went and did the big shop today and am just about to go to the cinema to see fantastic mr fox. i don't suppose it will be as good as up but one can hope.

this afternoon i went to see the new disney pixar film up. i'm not a massive fan of the pixar films and only genuinely love a few of the old disney classics but that was one of the best films i have ever seen. the first ten minute sequence is a rollercoaster ride of emotion which made me cry more than i have ever cried in a cinema but then i cried at four other bits after that. i would post the clip but it woudn't do it justice and i would cry if i saw it. i didn't expect that so i'm glad i was with my mum but i might go and see it again if i can find someone suitable. i just recommended it to nick when he called but i think he's the last person i should blub in front of a cartoon with, even if it is in 3d.

so i never made it to southampton as predicted. i didn't want to bump into anyone i didn't want to see and i'd forgotten that rory lives with my ex, tp, and seeing as i'd have to stay there i thought it might be awkward. he's an awkward person. i stayed in and cooked dinner for my mum and went to bed at 10.30.

home tomorrow and lots to sort out at home due to the fact i have been away for five days and busy for a further five days before that. only washing and food shopping and things but i'm in a muddle and shan't be able to function until it's all sorted. i'll be back in salisbury in another couple of weeks to sign my will. yes, i've been forced to make a will lest my wicked step mother gets her hands on my inheritence. making a will at 26 is not much fun i can tell you.

friday's are good even if you don't work i think. today is especially good as i am going to london to see super furry animals with my friend tiffer. i have certainly seen them well into double figures since i first saw them supporting blur in 1997. they even played salisbury once.

the best part is that nick is really jealous and has requested stickers and badges. he'll be lucky...

i did consider the option of going to london early to do something or other but i seem to have visited all the good free places within the past three years and then what is there to do? portabello road? the trocadero? camden market? jesus! god! no!

here is a clip of sfa on letterman because it reminds me that 30 rock starts again next week. wow, i actually watch television again:

i don't know if anyone knows this but michal jasckson has died...

i got up at 7am this morning to accompany lotte to croydon as she had a job interview and i needed to go to ikea for a few bits. it got me really excited about cooking properly again when i move so i got a few things to do that. i am exhausted now and wondering if i can potentially have a wholesome weekend this weekend what with it being a bank holiday n' all.

i have started to think about a complete career change but am currently keeping my options open. i actually turned down an interview for an administrative position this week as i'm done with office work. i'm keeping quiet about it for now as i worry writing it down will jinx it.

i want a chicken kebab from cambi's and some pear cider. that's not too unwholesome is it?

i read about the ban on tobacco displays being anjnounced and decided to document my smoking career:

i have been smoking since i was 12, well, this is when i first tried a cigraette and for a while i would just smoke with friends at the bus station after school. then when i was 16 i had an older boyfriend (19 i think) and he smoked roll-ups so i started to as well. when you were in the sixth form of my school you were allowed to go off the grounds at lunchtime and during breaks and because you didn't have to wear uniform then the teachers never told you off for damaging the school's reputation. of course we had started going to pubs by then as it was quite rare for anyone over 16 to be asked for id in those days. we'd smoke there and then when we started going to clubs we'd smoke there as well.

at university everyone in my halls smoked because we had requested to be in a block where you could. i think this is when i became a proper smoker as in i would wake up, have a cup of tea and a cigarette before going to my lectures. we'd have a smoking break if the lectures were more than and hour long and all the lecturers would smoke as well so it was a good chance to have a chat about work. then lunch would be at the union which reeked of stale smoke and generally the day would end in a pub. this was 2001 and people thought they'd never ban smoking in pubs in a million years.

i never thought to give up smoking during my time at university but after a while my enthusiasm for it wained and i started smoking less than five a day unless i went out. i moved home to my mum's house for a year after university and she smoked so i never had to pretend i didn't. i rarely smoked during the week then but would chain smoke when i went out. i moved to brighton after a year of this and having my own flat meant i could smnoke around the house and i did. then the news of the smoking ban came in and i got a boyfriend who was against smoking so for the first time in 12 years i started to think that maybe smoking wasn't the best idea anymore.

i tried to quit for the first time. i remember going to a club in may 2007 without a packet of fags and almost having a panic attack. i found it so hard. i started up again but said i'd quit when the ban came in. i didn't; i just sat outside in the cold and wet with all the other lepers and dealt with it. i have been dealing with it for 18 months now, the first full summer of sitting outside of pubs has been ok and i've been able to brave the elements up until the past few weeks when the real cold set in and so i would only go outside when i needed a cigarette or else i'd be happy just to stay in my flat with a few beers and smoke whenever i wanted.

now it has gotten the the point where i smoke because my body says i have to. sometimes i might feel sick or have a cold or a headache and my body would still rather i made that worse than forgo a hit of nicotine. i speak to more and more smokers who say they'd like to give up and so i have decided that 14 years after my first drag on a cigarette i am going to kick the habit. i'm not going to start today because i know i will fail if i try to give up over christmas or before my birthday so i have decided to make the big day the 19th january. i will be 26 years and 2 days old; i think that's a perfect age to quit.

there's no rest for the wicked apparently and i can certainly confirm that this week. work has been pretty hectic recently which is a kind of karma for all those months i sat about doing nothing i suppose. my sudden burst of productivity hasn't gone unnoticed and i was nomited for employee of the month this month. that's the second time this year and yes, it is a small company but for someone who considers themself to be a bit of a slacker when it comes to productivity i am fairly pleased with myself. see kids; you don't even need to try!

as well as the work thing i have been attending various medical appointments at various venues around the city proving that i am a sickly child if ever there was one. yesterday morning started with a very nervous doctor putting a big clampy thing where a very big clampy thing doesn't belong but everything seems to be in order. then this morning i had my second appointment to see the podiatrist to see if, one day, i might be able to run and play like all the other children. apparently i will be able to if i just wear these great big inner soles for a few months so it's a good thing i never wear dainty shoes because they barely fit in my shell toes. right now it feels as if i am bouncing everywhere but wearing heels at the same time. i walked home at lunchtime and my legs ached from just a brief walk so i imagine they will take some getting used to.

nick, oh nick, lovely nick let me count the ways...so two weeks ago i posted about how shitty i felt and how i was overdoing it somewhat and today i woke up sober after spending the evening planning the meal i'm going to make for the afformentioned boy later. i'm doing spaghetti bolognaise with raspberry chocolate brownies with ice-cream for pudding, i see that meal as sort of casual but a bit showy because i made it all myself and both things take at least some cuilnary skills. it's not often someone can make me stay in on a friday night slaving over a hot stove but after a heated and lengthy text coversation about beethoven (the st bernard, not the composer) i think he's worth the effort.

a while ago i had a thing with a substandard gremlin* called dan which lasted about a week until i realised i'd have to tell him to go to a dentist if i ever wanted a serious relationship with him. bitchiness aside (sort of), i got really annoyed because he sent me loads of messages everyday and if i didn't reply because i didn't look at my phone or because he wasn't worth the thumb flexing he would send me another message or an email and they'd say nothing amusing or presient. nick sends me loads of messages but they are always very welcome because he's got a sense of humour and is as far removed from a substandard gremlin as i could ever hope for. bless him. i'm of the opinion that he likes me probably as much as i like him although i doubt he spends his evenings looking at photos of me on facebook. hohum.

i am currently in the process of contacting a school in birmingham which is located on "slade road". because slade are from birmingham i like to think the road is named after them.

*i suppose he wasn't that bad but i really like that expression

monday with a sore throat and a dull day at work and i am beside myself with happiness. imagine that. things with nick are going amazingly, i'm still convinced things are going to fuck up but for the meantime here he is:


we met up on friday and went to the pub for a couple before going back to mine and watching some movies and doing obscene things. he stayed all morning the next day and when he left i was at a loose end so i did cleaning and twiddled my thumbs and went into town which was hell and i thought i was going to faint so i didn't buy any boots and instead went to waitrose on the way home and made myself a proper feast. i am rubbish at looking after myself sometimes.

i eventually made it to the pub on saturday night but i drank too much and ended up crying all over heather and ro. why? i was scared nick would eventually cotton on to the fact i am a bit unsteady and unbalanced and not like me anymore. it stems from me being convinced chris from next door didn't want me because of that and i was drunk and almost got thrown out of a taxi because heather had to give me a hand. i shouldn't drink so much knowing that i will inevitably end up in that state. i wish i had gone home after the pub as i just fell asleep at si's and had to walk home the next day feeling terrible. i did this test the other day and it said this:

so perhaps it's time to start thinking about whether i've had too much. i met nick in the lion and lobster last nigh after a very brief siesta and i felt so ill and couldn't find him for ages and could only manage a lime and soda. i explained how bad i felt and told him i'd had the worst pizza in the world so he downed his guiness and whisked me back to his and plied me with tea and toast and we watched wall-e and i rested my head on his chest and the film was so sweet and i was so happy i felt like crying again. i managed to control myself though, i suspect tiredness had a lot to do with it anyway. i came home this morning and i have been happy ever since. i like feeling like this, i just hope it lasts.

i'm back at work and wondering why one of my candidate's who used to work for lehman brother's is going for a job at hbos. surely they didn't enjoy being made redundant that much?

i decided i should probably have sex with mike again this week now that i am well enough so i sent him a message asking him if he fancied "a few cheekies" in the week. he replied a bit later saying thursday at shakies but everyone else will be there then, mind you, when we did go out alone together we didn't do it so maybe we need everyone else's presence to get things rolling. i decided i'd better buy some new knickers in preparation anyway as even if things don't happen on thursday my underwear drawer is looking vaguely shameful, i bought all sorts of different shapes and kinds just to see what looks best, perhaps this is the dawning of a new era of pant for me. i also managed to buy yet another stripy top and two bags during the brief lunch hour spree but i'm sure i can convince everyone i needed those.

whilst picking up some salad in waitrose (fuck the credit crunch) i bumped into charlie. now, charlie is the ex girlfriend of ollie and by rights we shouldn't be friends because i inadvertently had sex with ollie when i was 17 (and at regular intervals throughout the next three years because i'm...stupid?) whilst they were still going out. i didn't really know this at the time though because he said they weren't. also, unbeknownst to me, he was going out with a girl called vicky because, in all honesty, he is a massive twat. charlie looked amazing in a really bright red leather trench coat and i looked like shit in ancient work trousers and my filthy old parka. i really should start making an effort all the time or at least on days when i'm not just running to work and back. yesterday was one of those days and i looked a vision in my gorgeous fitted coat and mustard beret. my hair looked better yesterday as well.

work has been such a struggle since i got back yesterday morning. i had to pretty much do everything in order to catch up yesterday so today has just been a day of sitting around whilst work trickled in. i can't quite guage how the company is doing in regards to how long it will take for the shit to hit the fan and for me to really have to start thinking about finding another job. i can scarcely believe this time last year i had my first probation period interview and failed, it doesn't seem like that long ago. i think this week last year will go down as one of the worst weeks ever for me and it culminated in the most depressing trip to suffolk to visit nick's parents where i was so close to crying and catching a train home. not that i would have been able to find a station as they lived in the back of beyond but i should have bitten the bullet and walked because i still have nightmares about the food his mother used to serve as an evening meal, i was talking to my own mum at the weekend and she asked what i'd have done should we have gotten married and i'd have had to have spent christmas with them eventually and i really shudder to think.

i have a feeling this is going to be one of the incredibly boring weeks and although tuesday is now over i am fully prepared for the rest of the week to drag. perhaps something truly amazing will happen between now and friday; i can but hope.

you know how girls are meant to have hundreds of pairs of shoes? here is a list of the shoes i own:

1) 4 year old brown adidas something-or-others i got in tk maxx for £9 (my current work shoes)
2) even older adidas shelltoes with a torn linings which smoldered when i tried to fix them with super glue
3) fake ugg boots i bought last week for £5 because they looked warm which are already falling apart
4) a pair of canvas rocket dog boots which i have recently had to fix with gaffa tape
5) a pair of pumps from primark my physiotherapist forbid me to ever wear again
6) some pointed canvas shoes i got in new york but they are a size too big
7) spotty wellies for festivals

so you see i'm not doing well for footwear or jeans or work clothes or anything like that. most of my trousers are too big for me now. i haven't done a big food shop for ages so i'm living off bits and bobs from my cupboards and i've taken to stealing teabags and toilet roll from work. to say i'm poor is an understatement.

although as i mentioned before this is because i want to go travelling in the new year. i'm fed up with my job and a fair few other aspects of my life but yesterday i completely broke down when i realised the ticket was going to cost hundreds of pounds more than i thought and no manner of scrimping or saving, begging or borrowing could justify me spending that much on a holiday, albeit it a long one. so i'm not going.

i'm sad but i'm relieved in many ways. i have managed to pay off most of my debts and save a couple of hundred pounds so i can afford to clothe and feed myself again. i hate to say it but i'm also scared if i leave my job and my flat i might find myself becoming a victim of "the credit crunch" if i come back with no money and there's no work available in brighton. i would have to move in with my mum and i might not be able to afford to return to the town where all my friends are for a long time. i don't want to pay for the ticket on a credit card as i might never pay it off. in february i make my final loan repayment and then i'm debt free and i really don't want to go back to square one.

i also found out i'd be paying more for my ticket than lee and lotte did and they'll have both been gone a year. when i have sorted myself out a bit more financially i'll go but it's just not right for me to do this at the moment. i was looking forward to only having half a winter this year so i suppose i had better look into getting a warm coat with the money i've saved. i have to look on this as a positive and forget about it for now.

i don't deserve a holiday anyway, let's face it; i never do any work when i do show up...

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